where is the spark

hi, its me

its currently september 3, and the year is about 67% (no 67 puns intended) done and i've been wondering where the spark has gone. for context, for the past 4 years of my engineering career and comparing now vs when i first started, i used to be so enthusiastic and have the ability to like do things and that compared to now, where i just live and go past each day just to get over it.

well, not really- i still have the spark when it comes, e.g. i was so entranced when developing pawl but i tried picking something up from my bucket of projects, and i just couldn't do it. i ended up sleeping the majority of my days when there is downtime and i'm not really sure where my spark to "live" has gone. contrary to popular belief, i am actually an introvert and i don't like talking to people and pretty much most of my friends come from the internet, which i now feel is causing a detrimental effect on how i approach things.

staring at my computer upwards of 16 hours a day really does get to you and i really don't have a life outside of it. in fact, i keep saying that i'm going to start making content for years now but what am i doing right now? i'm just doomscrolling on twitter or spamconsuming youtube because it gives me the dopamine i need to just keep on going. honestly, even my coping mechanisms are just... fried. i want to keep going but i feel like its so hard to even get out of bed just to work again for another day.

i have no idea where my spark went, i am present in the room and from my point of view i am just here but internally, i am so disconnected and zoned out its like im not even there. i need to change a lot of things including taking a dopamine detox or maybe i just need a walk- eitherway, i need to bounce back because despite everything, life will go on and i will go with it.

the only thing keeping me going at the moment (internally obviously, this does not mean that it is the only thing.) is the fact that i gaslight myself that i can do it when i say i can't. pretty much, thats the whole story- or maybe, just maybe- i'm just burnt out.

thanks for reading,

may