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you ever have this sudden feeling of peace where you think that something is wrong and it feels a little bit eerie? yeah, me too.

i'm not really sure when it happens or how to force it to happen but it does feel a bit sad and nice to experience it on demand. in a world of stress where you feel like constantly running out of time, you would just want to search and wait for things to slow down.

i'm already 23, and while that may seem young to a lot of people, it does not for me, but then again age is subjective within ethical limits of course. for the past 23 years, i feel like i've wasted my life away. i've played league for approximately 4? 6? years and wasted another 2 years playing valorant. that is not to say that those years weren't fun, i just felt like i could've achieved things so much more.

i've been thinking a lot about a lot of stuff lately, and the fact that is showing up more commonly than what i want is that i really don't like to express myself to others because i feel like i might be judged. it seems natural to be just an introvert but i feel like its a huge overwhelming barrier to overcome, like why am i scared of what other people think? is it because of the past? is it because i like people pleasing? or maybe its because i'm too weird to just coexist.

believe me, i don't really care about what other people think, i just want to put myself out there and create stuff and for the past few years i have been doing my best to force myself past that barrier. the barrier being, in order to create you must expose yourself. how do you start doing what you want when the first thing you have to do is the biggest gap of them all.

i already know how to edit, i already know how to record, i have the tools needed to achieve what i want to do. but why can't i? that is still something for me to figure out.